Scene switches back to the barbershop. Sweeney seems to be frozen. Mrs. Lovett stands before him looking unimpressed.

Mrs. Lovett: Hello? *slaps him*

She gets no response and pulls him into the pie shop. Mrs. Lovett pushes him into a seat and goes to get some gin. Toby is in a corner, on the floor, with his head bobbing back and forth, singing “I’m Henry the 8th I Am. Mrs. Lovett rips the bottle from him and walks back out to Mr. Todd. She fills a glass and slams it on the table.

Mrs. Lovett: Drink it! Maybe it’ll bring back some of your sanity!

He takes a sip.

Mrs. Lovett: Now, we got an issue. There’s a corpse up there that’s rotting away. Now what do you suggest we do with it?

Sweeney: Flush it.

Mrs. Lovett: Flush it??

Sweeney: Down the toilet.

Mrs. Lovett: What is he, a fucking goldfish?!?!

Sweeney: Well then, what do you suggest? Does it look like I’m a man that gets bright ideas?!

Mrs. Lovett sighs and walks over to the window. She suddenly gets an idea.

Mrs. Lovett: *singing* Seems a downright shame-

Sweeney: OH FUCKING NO! I have had it up to here *gestures with hand* with the fucking singing!!! Instead of churning out you repulsive idea with a song that drags on and on, and makes people kill themselves, why don’t you just give it to me straight out instead of singing a fucking two-page essay that no one even understands?!?!!?!!??

Mrs. Lovett: O.O Um… I was gonna suggest you kill your customers, and I’ll make them… into pies.

Sweeney: There, now was that so… wait. WHAT?!?

Mrs. Lovett: I make your victims into meat pies so that I can get business back. And you get to kill. So we’re both happy.

Sweeney: Well, um, all right.

Scene switches to Turpin’s house. Johanna is vigorously packing her clothing when Turpin bursts in.

Turpin: *pointing* You’re a whore!

Johanna: Excuse me?!

Turpin: You have hurt me. You have put a knife in my heart.

Johanna: I’m sixteen. What do you expect?

Turpin: You are to be punished. You will be quizzed on this. Page 394! THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO HARRY!!!!

He points to Harry Potter, who is chained to a desk in the corner of the room

Harry: EEEEEK! *cowers*

Turpin blows a kiss at Johanna with hearts in his eyes*

Turpin: *giggle* Love you!!!!!!!

Turpin leaves and the Beadle walks into the room. Johanna shrinks, expecting the whip.

Beadle: I won’t hit you. I kind of… well, need to talk. *sits on the bed next to her* I’m in love with Judge Turpin but he doesn’t seem to notice me. *cries* I express my love over and over, but he won’t love meeeee!!! *sob, whimper, weep* I’M SO ALONE!

Johanna: You’re alone?! I wish I had my mother.

Beadle: *sniffs, stops crying* Oh, but you do. Look out the window.

Johanna gets up and looks out the window. The old beggar woman is flailing about outside.

Beggar Woman: ALMS! AALMS! AAAAAALLLLLLLLMSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Johanna: Oh. Um, I guess I don’t need a mother.

Beadle: Well, time to get you to the Looney Bin!

Johanna: WHAT!?!?

The Beadle drags her out of her room and outside to a car. Yes, a car. With Kacee and Sam in the driver’s and front passenger’s seat. He throws her in and waves goodbye as the car drives away and she bangs on the window and screams. Anthony runs after the car, his arms outspread.

Anthony: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Scene switches to Sweeney’s shop. He stares at his barber’s chair, encircling it. After pondering for a moment, he makes a call.

Sweeney: Hi, Home Depot?

A half an hour later a mailman arrives with a large box. It reads: “The Mechanical Barber Chair for Murderers Kit. Build in Less than Twenty Minutes. Home Depot. We Can Help.” He grins and opens the box and pulls out the directions.

Sweeney: Who uses the directions anymore? *throws paper*

Switch scene to the pie shop two hours later. Mr. Lovett hears Sweeney cursing and screaming. She runs up to his shop and enters. A fully functional and modern computer sits in the place of the barber’s chair, complete with a mouse, keyboard, and hard drive.

Sweeney: Fucking Home Depot!! Does this look like a fucking chair?! I don’t even know what this is!!

Computer: You’ve got mail!

Sweeney: SEE?!? WTF IS THAT!?!?!

Mrs. Lovett: Did you read the directions?

Sweeney: No, who does?

Mrs. Lovett: *sigh* Let me try to fix this.

Ten minutes later, Mrs. Lovett finishes the chair, which looks exactly like the picture on the directions.

Mrs. Lovett: See? That wasn’t so hard.

Sweeney: *punches her* That’s for being a fucking smart ass!

Scene switches to Anthony, who is strolling the streets.

Anthony: *singing* I feel you, Johanna, I feel y-

He is suddenly pelted by rocks and runs away. The scene switches back to Sweeney’s shop. In the corner is a deli meat slicer he ordered on EBay. Looks like he opened a weekend Deli inside the pie shop. The Freaky Fred theme plays as he slices throat after throat of his victims.

Sweeney: *slash, stab*

Victims: *blood, gurgle, die*

Yeah, you get the picture. Scene switches to the pie shop, where Mrs. Lovett is preparing for the re-opening of her shop. Switch scene to outside, where the beggar woman runs ramped.

Beggar Woman: CITY ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!

Scene switches to Anthony outside Mr. Fogg’s Madhouse. He looks up at Johanna, who is at a barred window and holding up a sign that reads “HELP ME!” Scene switches back to Mrs. Lovett’s Pie Shop at its Grand Re-Opening. People flock to the shop, while Toby stands by door to advertise with his singing… since that’s really all he’s good at. Besides the drinking, of course.

Toby: *singing* Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention per-leea-

A man walks past him and punches Toby, silencing the brat. Mrs. Lovett hands out pies to everyone and they all shovel them down. The beggar woman loiters about the shop and pokes at the customers.

Mrs. Lovett: TOBY! THROW THE OLD WOMAN OUT!!!

Toby, now sporting a black eye, races over to the beggar woman and smacks her with a dishtowel.

Toby: Back! Back, you beast!!!

Beggar Woman: *screams like a banshee and runs away* CITY ON FIIIRE!!!!

Sweeney looms down from his shop and skulks around, staring at the customers. As one of them devours a pie, Sweeney leans over to him.

Sweeney: How’s your wife’s flesh taste now?

Man: What?

Sweeney: I didn’t say anything. *looks around* And there’s no one to prove that I did. *pauses* That’s not tomato soup either.

Man: *chokes, splutters soup* What?!

Sweeney: Oh, nothing.

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, what are you doing? Get back to your shop!!

Sweeney: *like a little kid at a supermarket* No! I don’t want to!

Mrs. Lovett: Don’t make me count to three.

Sweeney: No! I’m not going!! I don’t wanna!!!! *throws self on ground and screams*
Mrs. Lovett sighs and grabs Sweeney by the ear and drags him outside. She pulls out her rolling pin and beats him.

Mrs. Lovett: Now get up there!!!!

Sweeney: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!! I WISH LUCY WAS HERE INSTEAD OF YOU!! WAAAAAHHH! *runs up to his shop and slams door*

Suddenly the beggar woman runs by again.

Beggar Woman: CITY ON FIIIRE! AARRGGHH!!!!!

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah, I’m sure you REALLY want her around.

She walks back into her shop and to a table with two girls sitting there. They are wearing those glasses with the giant nose and moustaches, ya know, the one’s you see at Spencer’s. Fun fact: it’s Sam and Kacee.

Mrs. Lovett: Can I interest you in a meat pie?

Sam: No, thanks.

Kacee: We’ll take coffee.

Mrs. Lovett: But we don’t have coffee.

Sam: Hold on.

She pulls out a notebook and writes: “A silver saucer, topped with two mugs of warm coffee, appears into Mrs. Lovett’s hands.” What Sam writes comes true and Mrs. Lovett stares with shock.

Mrs. Lovett: How…?

Kacee: Don’t worry about it.

Sam: Better get back to your other customers.

Mrs. Lovett nods and walks off as the two sip their coffee.

Sam: They’ll never know.

Kacee: They have no idea.

Both grin wickedly at their powers of narration. XD The Scene switches to Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney sitting in a field by a large tree, with a nice picnic spread out in front of them. Toby is flying a kite in the background. A rabid dog mounts the hill and tackles him, but his screams go unnoticed.

Mrs. Lovett: You know where I’d like to go, Mr. T.?

Sweeney: Where?

Mrs. Lovett: Down by the sea.

Sweeney: Oh, cool.

End scene. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, lol!