the Other Sweeney Todd prt 1

Hey everyone! Takhi [Kacee] and Phantom [Sam] here!

We’re here to bring you another parody of an awesome movie with ideas that have been ripped out of the dark, sick, and twisted depths of our minds. In other words, yes, we shall ruin another classic film. xD

To those who are easily offended and can’t take a joke, DON’T READ THIS!!! And if you shudder at jokes made toward Sweeney Todd, click that little X in the right corner of your window. Thank you.

And now, without further adieu, Takhi and Phantom present “Sweeney Todd: a Far More Sicker Version than Seen in Theaters!” *bows* *intro music*

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Organ music brings up the beginning scene. It’s the dark, shit town called London. Yay. Ah, we arrive at Mrs. Lovett’s and Sweeney’s…deli? He has a deli now? Oh right! We decided he should, lol! The camera pans over to the infamous meat grinder. Oh look, there’s someone in there. Aw, he’s screaming. He’s grinded through, and the meat plops out onto the ground. Fresh pies are pulled out of the oven. Mmm, people pies! Now we view the meat slicer in the deli; People are getting sliced into fresh cold cuts, yum. The scenery fades to black and the credits role, reading:

Directed and Written by  
Sam "Phantom" Gombas and Kacee "Takhi" Blackmer

Starring  
Johnny Depp  
Helena Bonham Carter  
...and everyone else that also had a part in the film.

Rawr.

Sweeney Todd
(A far more sicker version than seen in theaters.)

Enjoy!

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The black screen opens up to the dark sea with no land in sight. In the middle of this ocean is a floating door, and on this floating door sits Sweeney Todd, his head drooped, his eyes glaring. Mr. Todd just got back from his “holiday” in Australia, and he’s pissed! A ship sails by him. The famous Captain Jack Sparrow peers over the side.

Jack: Oy mate, who’re you?

Sweeney: I’m Todd, Sweeney Todd.

Jack: Where do you come from, that you have to sail on a door?

Sweeney: Australia.

The word “Australia” makes Jack gasp and quickly whip around to Barbossa.

Jack: Barbossa! Quickly! Go go go!!!!!!

Barbossa: What be your problem?

Jack: He’s from Australia!!

Barbossa: *with a shocked look* Oh SHIT!

He grabs the wheel of the ship and quickly veers it away, only to smash into a random iceberg. The crewmembers shriek as the ship sinks in seconds. Then 50 rabid sharks, foaming at the mouth, appear in an instant and devour the pirates. As they finish off the crew members, they approach Mr. Todd. He stares at one as it lifts his head out of the water with a foam-dripping grin.

Sweeney: Australia.

The sharks shriek like schoolgirls swim away in a shot. Sweeney sighs. Then, from behind, another ship comes. Sweeney turns his head to look and screams as it crashes into his door and sends him flying into the water.

Later, some fishermen onboard pull up fishing net. In the bundle of fish lies Mr. Todd with a very displeased face. The net is plopped down onto the deck. Sweeney flops around with his eyes bulging and gasping for air. He suddenly remembers that he is not a fish. Anthony approaches and Sweeney stand up with an embarrassed grunt. But, unfortunately, his hair does not rise with him. He feels his bald head and whips around to see a fish flopping on the deck with his wig in his mouth.

Sweeney: *grabs fish* Give me my hair back!

The fish holds on tight. Sweeney begins to bash the fish against the ship and bites down on its back and rips out a chunk like Bear Grylls. He laughs manically and yanks his wig out from the fish’s mouth and places it gently on his head. He turns to Anthony and fish guts run down his mouth as he speaks.

Sweeney: Well, hello!

Anthony: *reluctantly* Hi.

Sweeney: I’m Sweeney Todd.

Anthony: Anthony. And you’re from?

Sweeney: Australia.

Anthony: Oh. That explains it.

Sweeney: Tell me, where are we headed now?

Anthony: Oh, London, my friend.

Closer up on Sweeney’s face as it twists with anger. The scene taints red and the Kill Bill psycho-ish theme plays. Sweeney growls. Anthony walks over to the front of the ship.

Anthony: *singing* I have sailed the world, beheld its-

Sweeney shoves Anthony over the edge.

Anthony: AAAGGHHHHH!!!!

Sweeney: My movie. *smiles*

Sam and Kacee run out of nowhere and shove Sweeney over the edge to join Anthony.

Sam & Kacee: Our parody!

Kacee: Uh oh.

Sam: What?

Kacee: We just shoved Johnny Depp off of the ship.

Sam: Oh… Shit.

Kacee: *pausing* Coffee?

Sam: Sure!

Both sprint away. The scene switches to Sweeney who, somehow, has ended up on the streets of London. He thinks nothing of the randomness and stamps through the streets.

Sweeney: *singing* There’s a whole in the world like a great black pit and it’s…

A shadow appears behind him and he turns his head to look. It’s a young girl. He continues singing.

Sweeney: …filled with people who are filled with shit and…

He glances back to see another girl joining the first one. He picks up his pace.

Sweeney: …vermin of the world inhabit…

He glances back again. The two girls has suddenly become a mob of girls. They scream with excitement and charge at him.

Sweeney: AAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *flees with his arms swinging in the air*

The camera switches angles and we watch from above. There’s one little dot, that’s Mr. T, followed by a thousand other dots, all raging fan girls. A helicopter appears, and riding in it are Sam and Kacee…again. We appear here and there. Cameos, hahaha!! Both wear sunglasses, protective bullet-proof gear, and hold machine guns. The song “Headstrong” by Trapt blasts as they jump from the helicopter, revealing a man holding a boom box. The two glide down and land between Sweeney and the fan girls.

Sam: We got your back, Mr. Todd!

Kacee: Damn right!

Both grin wildly as they begin to shoot out all the fan girls. They drop like flies as the guns go off. Sam suddenly pulls out a bazooka and fires it at the last 500 fan girls. All the bodies, dead or (barely) alive fly and splatter against the wall. Kacee and Sam smile and turn to Sweeney, who stares, completely baffled. Both give him a thumbs up and leap back into the helicopter. How can we do that, you ask? We’re writing: we can do anything!! Sweeney continues to stare until drool drips down his chin. Then he shrugs and turns, only to walk into the side of the building.

Sweeney: Ow. *straightens nose out*

It’s Mrs. Lovett’s Meat Pie Shop. Sweeney walks through the door. A woman is slumped over the counter, covered in flour, with a bottle of ale in her left hand. She sees him and tries to move.

Mrs. Lovett: *gasp* Sir! Pies! RAH! *falls off counter, not moving*

Sweeney looks at her in confusion. Suddenly Mrs. Lovett pops up and begins to sing.

Mrs. Lovett: *singing* Wait what’s yer rush? What’s yer hurry? Blah blah blah. Sit! *kicks Sweeney into a chair* SIT! Did’ja come in fer a pie, sir?

She hands Sweeney a pie and continues singing. He takes a bite, and begins to vomit violently goes into convulsions. Mrs. Lovett, still singing, prances to a shelf to fetch Sweeney some ale. But what she thinks is a bottle of ale is really a bottle of Atomic Hot Sauce. She grabs a mug, pours the sauce into it, and skips over to Sweeney.

Mrs. Lovett: *singing, still* Here drink this, you’ll need it!

He takes a sip. His sickened expression turns blank and smoke swirls out of his ears. He opens his mouth to scream but flames burst out instead. He twitches and falls to the floor, convulsing again. Meanwhile Mrs. Lovett is so into her song that she fails to notice the seizures of Sweeney Todd. He crawls over to the counter and reaches for a glass of water that is sitting there. But as his shaky hand comes close to taking it, Mrs. Lovett picks it up, takes drink, and tosses it over her shoulder. Sweeney’s hand curls into a fist and flops down out of sight behind the counter.

Mrs. Lovett: *singing* Ah sir, times is… *stops singing* Sir? *looks around* He must’ve left.

She goes into the back room as Sweeny convulses for the next three hours and passes out for the last two. Five hours later the hot sauce wears out. Yup, it’s THAT strong. He stumbles to his feet and stomps to the back room. Mrs. Lovett is watching T.V. with her feet elevated. She sees Sweeney.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh sir, you came back!

Sweeney: I NEVER LEFT! You left me on the floor for five hours!! You gave me hot sauce!

Mrs. Lovett: Are you sure?

Sweeney: I think I would know!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, sorry. Well… here’s a pie. *holds out one*

Sweeney: *vomits violently again*

Mrs. Lovett: What’s so bad about these pies? *opens a flap of crust*

A creature made of lard and animal carcasses reaches out a grotesque claw out of the pie, snarling. She quickly closes the crust.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, these are bad pies. *tosses it*  Oh well. C’mon, I have Pepto Bismol in the next room!

She grabs Mr. Todd by his shirt and drags him to the next room. As she walks down the hall, she begins singing the Pepto Bismol song.

Mrs. Lovett: *singing* Nausea, heartburn, indigestion. Upset stomach, diarrhea! YAY PEPTO BISMOL!!!!

She throws him into a chair and pours some Pepto Bismol into a cup. He looks on in horror because the label reads “EXPIRED”.

Sweeney: Is that a room upstairs?

Mrs. Lovett: Yuppers!

She gives Sweeney the cup and outs the bottle back in the cupboard. He tosses the expired medicine over his shoulder.

Sweeney: If times are so hard, why not just rent it out?

Mrs. Lovett: What does this place look like? A freakin’ Hilton Hotel?!?!? Besides, no one goes up there! People say it’s haunted.

Sweeney: Haunted?

Mrs. Lovett: Yes! *holds flashlight under her face*  By ghosteses!

Sweeney: Wtf…?

Mrs. Lovett: Ya’ see, something happened up there. Something very… *in a Freaky Fred voice* …naughty.

She begins to sing again and Mr. Todd groans and clutches his head. He hates all the singing, haha!

Mrs. Lovett: *singing* There was a barber and his wife… and he was… HOT!!!

She stops singing and goes all fan girlish. Sweeney looks horrified again, remembering the fan girls from the docks.

Sweeney: Why do I always get the crazed fans??

Mrs. Lovett: OMG!! His face was sculpted by angels, and blah blah blah blah and he likes sharp and shiny things and blah blah blah blah I stalked him blah blah. Oh, and Judge Turpin sent him to Australia!

Sweeney: *twitching*  What was his crime?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh… I dunno. ^_^; But after that, Turpin had some “fun time” with his wife, Lucy. She wasn’t happy about that, so she took a cricket bat and tried to bludgeon him to death, but she tripped and hit her head on a rock. She lost her mind and fell off a bridge into the jaws of a waiting shark. Oh, and now Turpin has the hots for his daughter Johanna. He keeps her prisoner in his house! What a twisted tale, no?

Sweeney stands still, wide-eyed and speechless. His lip starts to tremble and he collapses into a sobbing, thrashing tantrum on the floor.

Sweeney: NUUUU!!! NNUU!! Omg, my little Johanna, my poor Lucy! WHHHYYYY?? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…………….!!!!!

He curls into the fetal position and begins sucking his thumb. Mrs. Lovett, realizing that Sweeney is really Benjamin Barker, squeals and envelopes him in a bear hug, choking him in the process.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, Benjamin! It IS you! You’re back! I can’t believe it! Squeeee!

Sweeney: Let go of me you crazy bitch! *gasp, gag* I can’t breathe!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh… sorry!

She drops him and he lands face down on the floor, twitching.

Mrs. Lovett: Hmm. Well, I have your room upstairs just the way you left it. Let’s go!

She grabs him by his shirt again and drags him to the door. The scene switches to the small bell-yard outside the pie shop. Mrs. Lovett leads a now-walking Sweeney up the stairs to his old Barber’s Shop. Suddenly, we hear the wooden stairs cracking and splintering. The rotted stairs break. Sweeney falls through them and lands in a dumpster of discarded pies.

Mrs. Lovett: Whoops! Been meaning to fix that. Sorry love!

Sweeney: *dripping with old gravy* Fuckin’ bitch…

The scene switches again, now they are in the old shop. The place is a wreck! The chair is gone, the mirrors are smashed, empty booze bottles lay everywhere, and the walls are scorched.

Sweeney: WTF??? This isn’t how I left it!!

Mrs. Lovett: So I had a few parties up here! Big fucking deal!

Sweeney: Grrrrrrrr…!!! Now Mrs. Lovett, take me to the razors!!!

Mrs. Lovett pulls up a floorboard and takes out the box containing his razors.

Mrs. Lovett: ‘Could’ve sold ‘em, but I didn’t. So don’t be ungrateful!

She shoves the box in his hands. Sweeney opens it and takes out a razor. His face twits into a creepy, insane smile as he stares at it.

Sweeney: My friend… my… precious…

He purrs and holds it to his face. Mrs. Lovett watches in confusion for a moment, then steps forward.

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, uhh… Guess what Mr. T? I love you!

Sweeney: *not paying attention, still purring* Shiny…

Mrs. Lovett: Yes, it’s true! I’ve loved you for years! You know not the depths of my devotion for you!

Sweeney: *still not paying attention, hugging his razor*  Don’t worry, you’re safe now… my precious!

Mrs. Lovett: I thought I’d just let you know now- just so it’s not such a shock at the end of the movie.

Sweeney: You are so shiny… *drools*

Mrs. Lovett: HEY! Are you listening to me???

Sweeney stops obsessing over his razor and turns to Mrs. Lovett.

Sweeney: Heheh… yes! Of course I was!

Mrs. Lovett: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

He giggles madly, unsheathing the razor blade and holding it up into the light. The camera is zoomed in on the razor as Sweeney screams dramatically.

Sweeney: AT LAAAAAST!!! MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!! BWHA-HA-HA-HAAA-HAAA!!

The camera zooms out, revealing that the razor is actually tiny. There is a silence. Mrs. Lovett snorts and doubles over with hysterical laughter.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh yeah, THAT’S threatening!

Sweeney: SHUT UP! I have bigger ones too, ya know!!

Mrs. Lovett continues laughing.

Sweeney: GAH! Stop mocking meeeee!!!

He shoves her outside and slams the door in her face. Mrs. Lovett’s laughter can still be heard outside. He kneels beside his razor and picks it up again.

Sweeney: It’s okay… the bad lady’s gone. *purrs*